Pennies from Heaven and Other Signs from Beyond

Do you believe in pennies from Heaven? Although I'd heard of people receiving messages from beyond the grave, I hadn't experienced it myself until my Mom died. On the day Mom died, I found this penny on the ground when I walked out of the nursing home at the end of the day.

This poem called "Angel's Pennies" tells what pennies found on the ground mean to many people. When an angel misses you they toss a penny down, or so the story goes. Perhaps my Angel mom sent that penny on the ground for me to see, to turn my sadness into joy.

Even before her death, it was easy to see that Mom could feel God's pull from above, calling her to her eternal home. After Mom's death, this crucifix, statue of Mary and pair of candles, one slightly longer than the other, drew me into a corner of the church basement where Mom spent so many hours of her life. Looking back, the candles seem symbolic of my parents' lives, with Dad's life just slightly longer than Mom's.

Do those who are dying see images we can't see? When they look out the window at the sunrise, do they see God beckoning them home? When they look beyond their loved ones' faces, do they see the face of God smiling upon them? Some people who have returned from the grasp of death say it's true.

Two days before Dad's death, the sun shining through the early morning clouds seemed like a message from beyond, calling Dad to come home. Did God send these rays to brighten the gloomy morning and my gloomy spirit? Did Mom ask for those rays of sunshine to bring peace to my soul?

On the morning after Dad's death, when I went to the cemetery to tell Mom what she already knew, the sun shone brighter than ever. Although Mom's with God, her spirit calls to me from her final resting place. 

As I walked among the newest of the graves, this ribbon beside a bouquet of flowers had a message that called out to me. Let go and let God, we may say the words but our actions don't always match the words.

At the cemetery on the evening of Dad's burial, the rays of the setting sun brought warmth to my spirit and hope for the promise of eternal life.

The early morning skies on the morning after Dad's burial were a palette of colors. Were they mixed by God's loving hands to bring comfort to me and all who were mourning?

The purple skies at dusk the next evening were the color Mom loved so much, reminding me that her love is with me always and her spirit lives inside of me.

On my way back to work after lunch one day, about a month after Mom's death, I found another penny, this one on the ground beside my car. 

Butterflies are another sign from Heaven, or so some people believe. As the caterpillar sheds its cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly, we shed our earthly bodies when we are called home to Heaven.

A month after Dad's death, this butterfly called to me, wings flapping atop these beautiful lavender flowers Mom would have loved.

On the same day, I watched this mother deer leed her fawns to safety, watching over them and teaching them the lessons they will need when they are grown.

Early in August, just before the two month anniversary of Mom's death, I saw butterflies everywhere. This butterfly flew away and returned numerous times as I watched.

Driving through the mountains, I watched this hawk flying overhead. Even after I parked and got out of the car, the hawk's circling flight above continued.

Two months after Mom's death, another penny appeared. Like the second penny I found, it was face up instead of face down on the ground.

Pennies and butterflies, are they signs from above, sent from Mom and Dad to show me their love? On one walk, a butterfly like this one lit on my shoulder for just a moment before flying away.

This poem I found about butterflies reminds me that my parents' spirits will be with me always, forever in my heart. Although I feel their presence every day, each time I see a butterfly, they seem especially near.

This poem by Jill Haley is used at butterfly release ceremonies. Forever in my heart, that's where my parents will always be, right there beside me as I go through each day.

Mom never loved roses. She felt that their beauty was too fleeting and they would soon die. But roses in Heaven must live forever, just as we all will some day. Dear God, place a bouquet of roses in my Mommy's arms. Add some petunias and snapdragons, flowers she loves. I remember her always and feel her love each day. I feel Daddy's love too, present day and night, even in my dreams.

God called to them and they followed Him home. They look down on me and watch as I go through each day. I know that they're safely home now, waiting for that day when we're all together again. As Mom always said, "One day we'll all be together." 

What a party we'll have when that day comes! But until then, I'll take what I can get when I can get it and do the best I can to live the legacy Mom and Dad gave us all. I'll face each day with a smile on my face, a prayer on my lips and a song in my heart.

To paraphrase a favorite story of mine, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living - and beyond - your daughter I'll be." Blogging Grandma Sandy, signing off for now.

The Winding Journey of Grief

Life is full of good-byes, but some are much more difficult than others. Saying the final farewell to a parent, child, sibling, spouse or dear friend is one of the hardest things in life. Letting your loved one go brings them peace and comfort as death approaches.

Although death may be peaceful for your loved one, the winding journey of grief is not easy for those left to mourn. Hospice services are offered to caregivers and family members for a year or more following the death of a loved one. Many hospice services also sponsor bereavement groups for anyone who has experienced the death of a friend, family member or loved one. These services can be very helpful, but the biggest part of the grief journey is done on your own.

Much has been written about the stages of grief: shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, reconstruction, hope and acceptance of your new normal.

However, grief isn't a straight path with a visible start and finish. Grief is a winding journey with no real beginning or ending. You may feel upbeat and happy one minute and feel deep pain, sorrow and depression the next minute.

Each person's grief journey is different. Each person handles the many emotions associated with grief differently. For some, the easiest way to deal with the pain of loss is not to think about it at all. Others can't stop thinking about the loss in an endless cycle of "what-ifs" during the day, fitful sleep at night and waking each morning to the harsh reality of the death.

For most of us, the grief journey is a combination of all of the above. My parents' deaths last month still don't seem real sometimes. I pick up the phone to call Mom as I did so many times, then remember that it's not possible anymore. I look at smiling photos of my parents and realize that I'll never see those smiles in person again during my lifetime, although I know they will be waiting for me when my days on earth come to an end.

Childhood memories blend with more recent memories into a memory collage, not unlike a photo collage. I remember Mom washing my hair with a pan while I knelt on the floor beside the bathtub. I remember Mom’s fuzzy robe. I remember sitting on the beanbag chair wearing Dad’s headphones to listen to music and singing with it. Mom would throw pieces of candy at me and tell me to quiet down. I remember coming home late at night and eating midnight steak with Mom as we talked together. I remember that Mom always cried when one of the kids would leave, to go back to school. I didn’t understand why then but years later, when I was the one leaving to go back home, I cried along with her.

I remember going fishing with Daddy in the canoe when I was younger.He taught us how to row the canoe and how to bait a hook, but we rarely caught anything. I remember Dad giving us pennies to put in what he called “the goofy machines” when he took us downtown. I remember Dad helping me learn to ride a bike. I remember Dad teaching me and the other kids how to swim and taking us for rides in the pool on his back. He never warned us when he was going to go underwater so I always got a mouthful of water. I remember Dad teaching us how to play tennis, starting with the most important lesson: shagging balls. I also remember Dad teaching us to bowl. Instead of making fun of us for rolling a gutter ball, he would say, “I’ll give you a dollar if you can knock down the one on the other side.”

I remember Mom sitting on the front porch on warm days, can of Coke in her hand. On cold days, Mom enjoyed sitting on her davenport in the living room, working word search puzzles with her collection of stuffed Snoopys behind her. As we sat and talked, Mom would pull out cards, letters and photos from her kids, grandkids or friends to share with me.

I remember walking into Mom and Dad's house and always finding Dad in his recliner or at the computer working on a project or playing Solitaire. Dad never talked much about his military years when we were kids, but he was always willing to answer questions or share a few stories with us as we got older. I turned to Dad when I wasn't sure what to do or how to do it, always knowing he would have a good idea or suggestion.

God called Mom and Dad home, but left all of us here for now. Mom told me that sometimes she looked up toward Heaven and asked, "Why?" Although it's not ours to question, it's human nature to ask and to wonder what if...

Life goes on and life is good. Mom and Dad lived good lives and are now enjoying their rewards. We all push forward, just as they would expect us to do, even as we miss their daily presence in our lives. The winding journey of grief continues.

Until the next time, I'll take what I can get when I can get it and do the best I can to face each day with a smile on my face, a prayer on my lips and a song in my heart.

Blogging Grandma Sandy, signing off for now.

Saying Good-Bye

I've never been good at saying good-bye. I get choked up and end up crying, just like my Mom always did when bidding her kids farewell. Three weeks ago, I said my final good-bye to Mom before she died. A week ago, I told Dad good-bye for the last time as he followed Mom into the glory of God's kingdom.

Whenever we visited my parents in Kansas, Mom always cried as she stood on the sidewalk, waving until our car was out of sight. In the car, my tears matched hers as I sadly drove away, leaving behind my parents and my childhood home.

Dad was a career Army officer, so home was wherever the Army sent us. Mom fell in love with the town of Leavenworth, the town they both embraced as home when Dad retired.

Mom's years as an Army wife were spent moving from pillar to post. Dad was already in France when Mom followed with her six children. My youngest brother Pat was born on this tour of duty, the second of my parents' children born abroad. Nancy, the baby of the family, was born several years later in Alabama.

Dad taught me lots of practical life lessons - how to swim and ride a bike, how to gap spark plugs and read a wiring schematic, how to row a boat and play tennis. Dad also taught me the value of hard work, the meaning of dedication and what true love was all about.

Mom showed her love for us with midnight feedings, after school snacks, late night chats, long-distance phone calls, cards for every occasion and no reason at all, and always being there for us with an endless, timeless and eternal love. Mom didn't just love her children - she cherished us. We were her life and for us, she would gladly have given her life.

Dad was the family photographer so there aren't many photos of him with us when we were younger. Mom hated having her picture taken so there are even fewer photos of her when we were kids.

Even more rare are photos of Mom and Dad together, except a few taken by one of us kids when Mom wasn't looking our way.

Mom and Dad served as godparents to several grandchildren and were proud to share their love of God with their children and grandchildren. Dad converted to Catholicism after we were grown. Every Sunday, Mom and Dad were at church, leading by example. My parents' commitment to serving others extended beyond church and family to include years of volunteer work with scouting, our schools and the community. This photo was taken after Jenny's Baptism at Immaculate Conception, Mom and Dad's church.

Dad worked a lot when we were kids, but he had plenty of time for playing when the grandkids visited. Dad would lay on the ground playing with the grandkids. He'd also take them to play with his model trains in the basement. As Dad got older, he really enjoyed holding the babies in our family.

Mom loved her grandkids the same way she loved her kids, with all of her heart. Mom loved to work puzzles and share stories with her grandkids. The grandkids who lived nearby were often treated to a walk downtown with Grandma for an ice cream cone.

For those who lived nearby, Mom and Dad were at nearly every game and event. For those who lived far away, they shared in the joys and heartaches of everyday life with cards and phone calls.

Mom and Dad probably said every single parenting line that exists. As an parent, when I open my mouth to share some wisdom with my kids, I’m not sure if I’m going to hear my mom or my dad but know that one of them will be speaking through me. I remember Mom saying “Go and ask your father,” and Dad asking, “What did your mother say?” 

We learned from an early age to “look it up” when we didn’t know the answer to something. We learned that knowledge was power. There were always encyclopedias and books in our house to find the answer to any question. Books were our internet.

We were taught from a young age to be proud of our country. Dad flew the American flag on the front porch, a symbol of the country he loved. It's only fitting that Mom and Dad will be buried in Leavenworth National Cemetery, where the American flag is always flown.

Mom and Dad were proud of their children in a quiet way. They didn't praise us for the sake of praise or to raise our self-esteem. They had high expectations and we rose to the challenge.

Mom and Dad were excited to become great-grandparents. My grandson Kyle was their first great-grandchild, but now there are 10 great-grandkids with one more on the way.

The most recent photo of Mom and Dad with their descendants was taken 10 years ago at a family reunion. The family has grown even more since then. Mom and Dad leave behind eight children, 26 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren, a legacy of their 66 years of love and devotion.

In her later years, Mom could always be found on her favorite davenport in the living room, with her collection of Snoopy and KU Jayhawk items behind her. Mom sat here working puzzles and watching TV.

In his later years, Dad was in his recliner in the living room or across the hall on his computer, looking things up and taking care of business.

I always talked to Mom more than Dad on the phone, but I learned a lot from Dad. On my last visits home in spring of 2014, I spent a lot of time talking with both of my parents. Dad shared war stories and let me help him with a few things around the house - a rarity for a man who never asked for help.

I was never an only child, don’t remember being the youngest child at home, and wasn’t ever really the oldest child at home. None of that really mattered then, nor does it now. Living in our home was always interesting and I really don’t remember ever wishing that I’d been in someone else’s family. There were always brothers and sisters around to play and fight with and there was always noise and commotion in the house. To me, those were all good things.

How do I say good-bye to the woman who loved me more than her own life? To the woman who taught me so many valuable lessons? To the woman who will always be a part of me long after her life is over? How do I say good-bye to the man who was my first hero? To the man who taught me right from wrong? To the man who will live on in me forever?

My siblings and I will say good-bye to our parents by living our lives well, by loving one another and our God, by raising our children to be good people who help others as our parents did. You gave us life and love and taught us more lessons than you’ll ever know. Thanks for always being there and giving us all that we needed. As your journey ends, ours continues without you. As you march forward to your well-deserved places in God’s kingdom, may the lives we live pay honor to you. As you look down on us from above, may we hear and feel your guidance, comfort and love with us always in the whisper of the wind, the gentle rain and the rising and setting of the sun. Thanks Mom and Dad for a job well done. I love you now and forever.