A Journey of Nine Months

For nine months, you carried me inside

In springtime and the heat of summer

As the leaves of autumn fell

And into early December

Nine months to create a tiny miracle

Nine months of sleepless nights

Nine months of restless days

Nine months of growing new life

Another little one to add to the other four

One more crying baby to be satisfied

One more toddler getting into everything

One more child who knew she needed you

One more teen who thought she didn't

One more daughter to grow up and marry

Every child is unique, every child is special

No woman can ever forget

The nine month journey to motherhood

For nine months, I've carried you in my heart

Nine long months of grieving my loss

Nine grateful months of rejoicing your gain

Nine months of wishing you back

Nine months without your voice

Nine months without your smile

Nine months without your wisdom

Yet every day, I feel your presence

You're with me in the rising of the sun

You're with me as I fall asleep

You're as close as a memory

Yet as far away as eternity

You live on in my words and deeds

You live on in my thoughts and dreams

You live on in my children and grandchildren

You live on in the hearts of those who loved you

And in the hearts of those you loved

Nine months of firsts I didn't want

First day without you

 First week, first month

First phone calls not made

First warm day you weren't on the porch

First flower boxes not in bloom

First leaves falling quietly to the ground

First season of muted holidays 

First blast of winter without you

First Christmas back home 

First KU season without you

A journey of nine months

Toward a lifetime with you in my heart

But out of my sight

My angel up above

Watching over me now

As you watched over me then

Holding me close

As I wake and as I sleep

In the day to day events

And the special moments of life

Always at my side

Giving me strength when I'm weak

Waiting for me to join you

Someday but not yet

I don't know why

I'll never really understand

But God knows and that's enough

Loving you

Missing you

Always

My angel

My Mom

Finding Joy in the Midst of Grief

The first year of grief is the worst year, or so they say; however, many friends have told me that you never get over the death of a loved one.

You'll probably spend a lot of time reliving happy memories, looking at old photos and wishing that things were different.

You may wish for one more day, one more smile, one more kiss, one more chance to say, "I love you" but your wishing is in vain.

There's no standing still in life. You have to move forward and somehow find acceptance as you learn to cope with your new normal.

Find joy in the simple things in life like the sun rising out of the churning ocean to herald the dawn of a new day.

Find joy in the magnificent beauty of nature as you watch the sun setting over the mountains and know that you've made it through another day.

Find joy spending time with those you love. Surround yourself with people who make you laugh and who bring smiles to your life.

Find joy all alone in the places you love the most. Let feelings of peace and comfort wash over you like waves over your feet.

Life is what we make of it. Don't cry because it's over now, laugh because it happened. Remember that just wishing changes nothing.

The sun won't stay behind the clouds forever. My Mom always said, "Better days are a-coming" and I know it's true.

Find joy in places and things that remind you of your loved one. Everywhere I go lately, I see butterflies bringing love from beyond. Sometimes there's only one, but sometimes there's a pair. As they flutter and fly together, I know they're telling me everything will be okay.

Find joy in your faith and know that God is always with you, even in the darkest night. Pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Find joy watching nature's creatures: the hawk soaring across the sky, a deer in the woods, a bee sipping nectar from a flower.

Sometimes the tears will flow from your eyes like water from a bucket. Although it seems the tears will never end, it's okay to cry.

The lyrics of a familiar song may bring you comfort. "Awake from your slumber! Arise from your sleep! A new day is dawning for all those who weep." These words from the hymn City of God are so true. Our tears will be turned into dancing, all in God's time.

Find joy spending time with your partner. None of us are promised tomorrow so be loved and show your love today.

Find joy when you look to the heavens, knowing that your loved one is looking over you. Look at the clouds and see love.

Find joy in the world around you. Go to the water, the source of life. Listen to the current of the water at the lake, river, ocean or stream and you'll find peace.

Find joy in beautiful places close to home. Sit in a garden among the flowers and enjoy the peace and quiet. Find joy and let your heart be light.

Find joy in your own yard. As you move through your daily tasks of life, take time to really see the beauty that's right under your nose.

Find joy by living each day to the fullest. These words written by Sheila B. Cabrera speak of aging, but also speak well to living through grief, "I refuse as I age to deny my years. When asked at 30, I'll be 30. When the question comes up at 45, I'll take 45. For what year could I subtract? The one in which my son or daughter was born? Or the year I first fell in love? How about one less favorable? Like the year I came down with pneumonia. Or one of those grief-filled years spent saying good-bye to someone close? Maybe I could choose the seemingly insignificant. That year I saw a falling star? Or the one spent not enthralled with life, just content with it? No, I think I'll keep them all, the good years, the bad and even the not so memorable. To deny one would be to deny myself. Because added up, they are my life."

Find joy in the seasons of the year and the cycles of the days. The night is always darkest before dawn, but dawn always comes.

Day follows night just as joy follows sorrow. The first year is almost certainly the worst. All of those firsts await: the first day, first week, first month, first birthday, first holidays, first everything without your loved one.

Life is beautiful. I know it's true, but somehow life was more beautiful with you. One day we'll all be together again. But until then, I'll do my best to find peace, comfort and joy each day.

Blogging Grandma Sandy, signing out for now.

A Time to Heal

I'm often guilty of thinking I'm in charge of my own life. Many others think the same thing from time to time.

It's funny how God sometimes has a way of showing me that I'm not really in charge.

Since I hurt my back last summer, I've struggled with being unable to do all of the things I want to do.

I've not faced many physical limitations during my life. So to go from being able to do pretty much anything I wanted to being unable to even lift a gallon of milk has been challenging.

No twisting, bending, stooping, lifting, pushing, pulling, climbing. That's a lot of nos.

Just when it seemed that I was moving along pretty well on the path to healing, I slipped on black ice in the parking lot at work this week and chipped my right elbow bone.

So, it's back to square one in the healing process. A lot of things are more difficult to do when the use of your dominant arm is very limited.

From typing and lifting to cooking and bathing, many things in life are easier with the use of two hands. I expect to face new challenges as I grow and heal during this time of physical challenges. Today, this verse speaks to me.

From Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 KJV

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

This is my season of healing and building up, of growth and challenge, of casting away fears and embracing hope, of asking for help and accepting limitations.

As in every season of my life, this is also a season of knowing that God is with me always and that God is always good.

As I face new challenges, I will lean on God for strength, courage, patience and perseverance. I know He will answer in His time and in His way. And that's enough.

There are no mistakes in life. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, even though I may not understand the reasons why.

Until the next time, I'll take what I can get when I can get it and do the best I can to face each day with a smile on my face, a prayer on my lips and a song in my heart.

Blogging Grandma Sandy, signing off for now.